Awakening

Kelly and I saw Spring Awakening at Bass Concert Hall and realized that we were two of the only people not actually on a date.

Here's the video proof. (Kelly is sitting across from me).

My Coworkers Off Kilter at the Battle of the Media Stars

This is a video I posted on our new blog at work INK of some of my coworkers doing the Dizzy Bat event at this year's Battle of the Media Stars. It's an event here in Austin with lots of different media competing against each other. Marketing Matters didn't win, but who gives a sh*t! Lindsey and Kendra for some reason ran in straight lines after their turn at the bat, but Kelly and Matt...well, have a look:

Chasing the Rainbow

I love when it rains. And I really love when it storms. The sky puts on a play for anyone who will take pause and peak out from under their umbrellas to enjoy the show. While everyone is cursing the traffic, worried about getting wet, and huddled under awnings, the sky is saying, "Look what I can do!"

The thunder is the symphony, the lightning is the spotlight, the droplets are the actors, and the rainbow is the curtain call.

Why I Majored in Broadcasting

If this is what new stories were always like, I would definitely be working at a newsroom right now.

Back to you, Bob:



From www.brandflakesforbreakfast.com

Water Lily or My Face

Water Lily or My Face
Originally uploaded by SharonRey

This is a picture I took of myself. I'm so beautiful that through the lens of the camera I actually look like a purple water lily.

Oooor, this is a photo of a purple water lily I took this weekend. Sometimes it's so hard to tell.

Snails Are So Sleepy

With temporarily not having internet access at my humble abode, I have neglected my dusty blog and you fine folks for much too long. Just know that you are all in my prayers, my thoughts, and my diary until I can produce a proper update.

Please enjoy these few facts to appease you for the time being written by some jerk nerd.

• Some breeds of chickens lay colored eggs.
• A microwaved baseball will fly farther than a frozen baseball.
• Ancient Romans at one time used human urine as an ingredient in their toothpaste.
• Linen is actually stronger when wet.
• Tigers also have striped skin.
• Stilts were invented by French sheperds who needed a way to get around in wet marshes.
• Catgut comes from sheep not cats.
• One quarter of the human brain is used to control the eyes.
• Windmills always turn counter clockwise, except in Ireland.
• Minnows have teeth in their throat.
  
• Buttermilk contains no butter.
• Radio code "Wilco" is short for Will Comply.
• Rats can tell the difference between two human languages.
• A snail can sleep for three years.
• Half Puerto Rican women are the most attractive women in the world.

...Okay the last one I made up, but it doesn't make it false.

Eeeeeeeuuurpp!

I just accidentally burped in unison with a cocaine and alcohol addict on TV.

And now, although I have never even seen cocaine and I have no addiction to alcohol or any addiction for that matter (besides my TGIF lunchbox addiction---not that I have lots of lunchboxes--I'm just super addicted to a certain one ***shout out to Perfect Strangers' Balki Bartokomous!!!*** ), I feel like I'm just as disgusting as the addict who just vomited into a trash can in the basement.

Storm

I took this picture tonight right as an intense storm approached and just as that grey cloud was swallowing the sky.



Those clouds moved from the right of the blue-lit building to where it is in the photo in about 15 seconds--or enough time for me scratch my ass while thinking about the difference between "robbing a cradle" and cradling a robber. I've done both and was wondering are those both considered good things or bad things? I mean, robbing a cradle references dating someone much younger--like a Cougar. Which is just fine as long as they're of legal age, I guess. And then cradling a robber could be really good, cause why is someone robbing you in the first place? They obviously are having a bad day and need some crad---OH SHIT! THAT CLOUD IS GOING TO KILL ME!

I ran inside and crawled under my bed where I have been for the last six months, only surviving off of a pop tart and two Peeps left over from Easter I found under here. Which obviously is a lie since that storm happened about two hours ago and 'cause nobody likes Peeps no matter how long you've been hiding under a bed.

Storm's over. Think I'll go out and see if I can seduce a too young, hot robber with my Peeps.

Deal or No Deal

I've been sick since Saturday. At first I thought it was just an overachieving hangover that just couldn't get the hint after my way-too-fun Friday night, so I just went about my business like I was one Tylenol away from tap dancing through my errands like I usually do (shuffle, ball change, step, heel click and FREEZE! ***hands cashier a 20 dollar bill with a wink***).

I left Best Buy with some crap I shouldn't have purchased (I think I bought some photo paper and a pony) and left for home. I felt awful and weak, yet was really hungry. I wondered why I crave fattening fast food when I'm sick instead of eating carrots or bark like I should.

My train of thought was broken when I noticed two people on the side of the road. It was a man and a woman outside of a used car dealership by the edge of the highway. The woman seemed to be pushing the man down and crying, and both seemed to be in much distress.

I immediately thought that she was trying to stop him from running into oncoming traffic. I don't think this would be the average person's first thought when two people are struggling outside of a used car dealership. However my friend, I'll just call J.C., (prepare for a Debbie Downer moment) ran over and killed a man who was attempting suicide several years ago. There happened to be a police officer who witnessed the man attempting to walk in traffic several times before he jumped in front of J.C.'s car. My friend, of course, freaked out and out of confusion stopped and was walking to the scene to see what he had hit. Thankfully, the police officer stopped him.

Knowing that this happened to J.C. prepared me when a man attempted to jump in front of my car about two years. I slowed down quickly once I saw him, so that if I did hit him, the worst he'd get was a strong nudge and a stern talking to. Luckily I didn't hit him, and I called the police.

Once I passed these two people, I had the noble thought to go and help them even though I felt like $@!*% or "shit" as they say in English. I drove back around to the scene and pulled into the dealership. With a closer look, I saw that they were actually fighting over a briefcase. What was in that briefcase? Money? Top secret documents? A old map to One-Eyed-Willie's treasure? I don't know. Someone with some sort of "authority" zoomed in to help before I had the chance. Was it Batman? Was it Superman? No. It was Target security on a Segway.

Damn those bi-wheeling, department store ninjas!!! They always crack the case before I have a chance to get in there. With a heavy heart, I changed out of my bullet-proof cape, radioactive leotard, and water-resistant crocs and continued on my drive home.


Love,















P.S. I'm well aware that this story was incredibly anticlimactic, but let's pretend it was awesome and move on.

Things of Note

1) I just used a CD to scratch my back. Worked.

2) I love syrup. However if I smell syrup and there's no syrup around, I hate the smell of syrup.

3) I got sushi yesterday at Kyoto's coveted 6-6:45 happy hour. A fight almost broke out when someone tried to get ahead in the line to be with his friends. There was a confrontation between the passer and the passee about whether he should pass. In the midst of it, a cute girl cut through herself and the passee didn't say anything. Girls get away with so much and I like it.

4) There are three pairs of sunglasses in my purse right now. All awesome.

5) Can I borrow 20 bucks?

6) I know which friends love me, by which ones actually read my blog. Pretty sure Chris is the only one. Hi Chris! (And you too Carlos, but, you see, I have to take into account our blog competition.)

7) When I was little, I hid behind my mother after walking into our TV room wrapped in a towel after taking a shower. I thought the Muppets on TV could see me too. Perverts.

8) Last night I won American Idol, probably.

Heroes

Last night was the first night I played poker in a long time, and, boy oh boy, is it just like riding a bicyle. I was SO good. I got great hand after great hand. Everyone was so annoyed at how great I was...IF IT WAS OPPOSITE DAY! (crowd rolls on the ground in hysterics!). Actually I was awful. We were playing tournament style and I lost two big pots to ole Sneaky Sleeves Steve (otherwise known as Troy) where he just covered my hands each time. Egads! So I resorted to dealing a "fake" hand with a different colored deck so I could feel included. And boy did my luck change! ...No it didn't. I couldn't even win at fake poker last night.

So after my huge disappointment, I got home at about 1:30am and, because I heart irony, immediately plopped onto the couch to watch the season finale of Heroes that I have DVRed. About 30 minutes into it, I noticed that my balcony door was unlocked and not shut all the way. I knew I had been on the balcony earlier that day, so I wasn't too alarmed even though I'm usually really good about locking all my doors and recognized it as my irresponsibility.

That is until I heard a thud in the other room. I immediately tensed up and pictured someone climbing up to my two story balcony and sitting in the other room waiting for me to walk in the other room so he could MURDER ME!!! I texted my friend John (like he was going to help in any way) and said:

Sharon: "Just got home and noticed I left my balcony unlocked and not shut all the way. No big deal except I just thought I heard a noise in my place! I'm sure it's nothing, right?" (yes I'm a long texter)

John: "You'll be fine"

Although you can't hear tone on a text, I heard his tone loud and clear. It was the tone of indifference. He is the same person that after attempting to call me a couple times a few weeks ago one night with no answer, told me the next day when I answered the phone, "Good you're alive. I thought you had been kidnapped. When I called and your phone went straight to voicemail, I got worried but then figured I'd just call you today." I thanked him for his swift decision to just call me later in my supposed moment of peril. You can see why he was first choice when I thought I could be in trouble.

Well after that thud there was no way you were going to catch me in the back of my place. On the couch? Sure. But in the kitchen or bedroom? ARE YOU CRAZY??

Later, that night I was brought back to reality when my friend Erik called to see how my night went. I told him how I STILL hadn't left my couch. And in his ever so delicate manner he said, "You think some burglar is in your condo and waiting for you to come to the back!? Do you think you have a NICE burglar?" I realized how stupid I was being and quickly stayed right on the couch until morning. I woke up with the cushions fallen to the floor, my feet resting on my laptop, and my cellphone and the remote snuggly piercing my back. But at least I was alive.

This reminds me of the time when I went out, drank Jager (my cryptonite), and apparently cleaned my room and changed my light bulb in my bedroom at about 3AM. I didn't remember this the next day, and when I walked into my bedroom to take a nap, I flipped the light switch expecting only the ceiling fan to turn on. When my light bulb came on too and I didn't remember changing it, I freaked out and just knew someone was in my place--probably watching me at that very moment. I grabbed a knife and returned to the couch which is what I hope a burglar would honor as base. He'd also know then that he couldn't touch me until he closed his eyes and counted to ten. And I'd be outta there! Yes, it was a great plan. I sat on the end of the couch with a knife scared to death trying to figure out what MONSTER broke into my condo and was so considerate creepy he changed my light bulb so he could see me better when he tried to kill me! Finally, I couldn't take the torture anymore and was about to escape to a friend's house that night when I remembered drinking jager the previous night.

I then realized that the only real psycho there was me.

A Dog for Sharon

I really want a dog, and I just can't stop thinking about it lately. I've wanted one for a long time, but have been feeling responsible by putting off the responsibility of owning my own pet.

Well, I already have Hampton the Fire-bellied toad, of course--But let's face it, ever since Mary Lou escaped to her death, he just hasn't been the same. I try to take him on walks, but he refuses his tiny leash. I tell him to go for a scenic drive, but his eyes just don't sparkle when he drives his mini mustang anymore. He refuses to wear any clothes whatsoever. Even when we play frisbee in the park, he just lets the frisbee land right on top of him.

Hopefully getting us a dog would lift his spirits. The romance wouldn't be there like it was with Mary Lou (slut) of course, but at least it would get him out of the terrarium once in a while.

I want to get a small dog, because I know there's no way Hampton would be able to control a larger dog if he decides to walk it himself. Also, I want a little snuggle buddy--one that I don't have to worry about smooshing, stepping on, or finding dried up like frog jerky if he leaves the terrarium. Not that I would keep the dog in the terrarium. Well, it's a nice place. There's a tiny pool and a rock wall that provides fantastic hiding places. I just think that Hampton would appreciate his own space as he continues to mourn Mary Lou.

And it doesn't have to be a full bred dog. I, myself, am not full bred. So since I'm not a hypocrite, I will insist on finding a dog that is half white and half Puerto Rican like myself.

So does anyone know where I can find a small, half white/half puerto rican dog that is frog-friendly and well hydrated? Oh and any knowledge of Adobe Photoshop would be a huge plus.

Donkey Balls

Sonogram

As I mentioned before, my friends and I are anticipating the arrival of the first in-town-baby from our group of friends. The mother just sent out the most recent sonogram. This is supposed to be the head and chest. It's crazy cause you can already see a resemblance.

Baila Conmigo: THE VIDEO

Here's the video of the future heartbreaker I was telling you about. Sorry for waiting so long to post this. I mean, geez I guess by now they have already been dating for almost a month.

Strech Marks

One of my best friends is pregnant, and it's the first child that will live in town from our group of friends. We're all very excited. It's the first time of my life when I'm actually excited to look through the baby aisle, to help her find maternity clothes or to show her any great deal I find on the latest mommy product. This is why when I saw the ad below on how to cure stretch marks, I knew that I just had to show her.






This is advertising at its best. I mean, not only do they know exactly how to appeal to a woman by using two shades of the color pink, but they realize that women have very busy lives. We just don't have time for silly things like punctuation We cant pause in the middle of helping the kids husbands working shopping or doing our nails to worry about something as insignificant as a dot on a page

Also I knew this product was perfect for my friend because they have the utmost confidence in their product They are so cool and confident that they dont have to mess with unnecessary extra letters like the second t in strech I mean you have the CH sound in there already by using a c and an h If you add a t its like okay we get it Stop bombarding me with syllables and grammar and sounds Im a woman I need to go take care of some things Stop touching me

I realy apreciate that they are inteligent enugh not to complicat our lives with unecesary things

They are like we hav a great product You shud by it Period

Exept without the period

Haircut

Sharon: Where are you getting your haircut?

Ryan: Sharper Image.

Sharon: Visible Changes?

Ryan: Yeah that's it.

Awareness Test

I was doing some research on guerilla marketing and came across this commercial that I thought was really cool.

Check it out and see how "aware" you are:

How Embarrassing!

When this dog goes on his first date, this is the first thing his mom is going to pull out to show his girlfriend.

My Bum: Exposed

The other day I thought I'd be extra cute and wear a dress to work--instead of the sexy jeans-and-what-I-find-on-my-floor-first couture I normally wear. It's a black button up dress similar to this, but the skirt bells out:



That day was actually quite windy. When I got out of my car that morning, a huge gust of wind reminded me why I should probably start checking the weather. As I took my first step towards the entrance to my building, my skirt blew up and exposed my goods. I quickly jumped back into my car and was thankful that no one saw! Well--almost no one saw. There was one guy that was walking to his car and surely saw the show.

As embarrassed as I was, I knew that it would get much worse if I didn't wait for this guy to leave before attempting it again. So I waited for him to leave, but this jerk didn't budge. I couldn't see him from where I was parked, but I knew that once I attempted to walk to work, I would be the black cat in his path--the black cat whose ass is exposed. After waiting long enough and realizing this guy wasn't leaving, I cursed him and pictured him holding binoculars and popcorn waiting for me to make the walk again.

I made a second attempt to get out of my car. This time the wind was stronger than ever. I looked up at the man's car and saw that he was everso innocently reading a book in his car. What a ruse. As if I don't realize what he's really up to. Again, the wind blew my skirt up, as I looked down at my car door to take cover I noticed that the top two buttons of my dress were wide open, exposing all of my cleavage. I mean, it's a wonder why I even put that dress on at all. I climbed back into my car, buttoned up, and for the first time wished I had a Snuggie available to cover myself as I walk sideways towards the door.

I knew that there was no way I could have made the walk to the elevator without flashing him (again) unless I was bent over with both arms wrapped around my thighs and took small scissor steps the fifty feet or so to the doors. Another option would have been to logroll the distance to the doors, but nixed the idea thinking that he may see me laying down and think I'm flirting.

Finally, I decided that I had no choice to continue. I can't let this fake-reading peeping-tom keep me from my job! I got out of the car, made another boob check, and then hunched over with my skirt gathered to the side and did a quick tiny-step walk that was reminiscent of Velma's dance break moves in Scooby Doo Kids.

When I entered the building I felt victorious. I made it to work, fully dressed and fully covered.

EPILOGUE:

That is, until later in the day when I plopped into my chair to answer a phone call. Towards the end of the call, I felt a draft. I looked behind me and saw no fan, but what I did see was the back of my skirt tucked all the way up to my mid back. My lower back, thighs, underwear and butt were all exposed for all to see.

MORAL:

You can't always blame it on the wind.

Baila Conmigo

While eating breakfast yesterday at El Sol y La Luna's new Red River location in downtown Austin, a boy around eight years old walked up to our table, held his hand out to my friend and said, "Baila conmigo." At first she didn't understand him and thought he wanted some of her taco, but he repeated, "Baila conmigo" and grabbed her hand. (For those non Spanish speakers, he was saying "dance with me" in Spanish.)

His mother came to our table soon after--very surprised by her son's actions, and very apologetic to us. But there was no need to apologize. This little charmer made our breakfast--if not our day. His mother explained that her son is learning how to dance, and during their breakfast she was explaining how to properly ask a woman to dance. He immediately stood up and walked over to our table to the shock of his family.

Once my friend realized what he was asking her, she put down her taco and allowed him to lead her to what I assume is a dance floor in the restaurant's evening hours. Keep in mind there was no music playing. The boy took care of that issue by humming as he led their dance.

Thankfully, I had my camera. Below is a picture of the future heartbreaker dipping my friend (video to come):

Mary Lou the Frog RIP Jan 2008-Feb 2009

Mary Lou Reynolds was found dead in her home on Friday, February 27, 2009. One of hundreds of tadpoles, Mary Lou was captured at the age of 3 minutes and kept in a prison filled with various other animals and domestic pet supplies until her adulthood. At the age of 5 months, she was purchased and given as a gift to Sharon Reynolds in July 2008. Being a cruel woman, Miss Reynolds kept Mary Lou in a clear box giving Mary Lou almost no privacy. Mary Lou's only relief was the introduction to her lover Hampton Reynolds. Although less of an escape artist, Hampton was also very adventurous as he is the only frog to ever own a mustang convertible.

Mary Lou was survived by Hampton and Sharon Reynolds and probably a thousand brothers and sisters.

The memorial will be held at Bass Concert Hall this Sunday. Her caretaker asks that in lieu of flowers, donations are sent to Bank of America Account #23395.

You Must Have Had A Great Night If...

1) You wake up with half a bratwurst on your bed.

2) You have an almost empty glass of water by your bed that you don't remember getting.

3) Your driver's license falls off your boob as you're about to get into the shower.

4) You find multiple texts to your ex on your cell phone the next day.

And in my case this morning...

5) You realize at about noon that you've been walking around the office with your zipper down all morning...and you don't really care.

He's Gotta Learn Somehow

This boy just came from the dentist and, with the help of anesthetics, is doing a great impression of what he's going to look like to women, with the help of jager, in about 15 years.

He Chose Dare.

My friends and I were at Opal Divine's for my friend Seth's birthday last weekend. It took one person to suggest that we play Truth or Dare for us to go from classy to trashy in seconds.

My friend Marcus was dared to eat one of Kristin's infamous bites where she combines everything from the table to make one big, nasty bite. My camera work was pretty good considering I was dry heaving during the whole thing.

Sorry ladies, this guy's taken!

What Smells?

Although it was dreary and overcast this weekend, I still took a few photos to test out my new wide angle lens.

The picture below was taken at this ditch we randomly found in East Austin. How much does Ryan love sewage? This much:

I <3 Canon

My new lens and flash have arrived today and I am itchin' to take some new photos!

I've been bugging my UPS guy about it since Monday--so much in fact that after he brought it to me, he punched me in the face. But I didn't care. All I cared about was my new Canon EFS 10-22 mm Super wide angle lens and my new 430EX II flash.

Tonight I'm going to go test them out with two friends and I'll be sure to post some of our fun here. To give you an idea of the difference between my standard 28-135mm lens and my new Super wide angle lens, here are two pictures of my coworker Matt demonstrating the difference.

Standard Lens:

Super Wide Angle lens:

In each photo I was standing in the same spot. You can see how exciting all this is by the look on my other coworkers' faces who apparently have fallen asleep.

Photography

I don't know what kind of berries these are--just that they were in my parents' backyard and they tasted like poison.

*Click here to purchase a print of this photo!

Why I Don't Enter Pageants

Ward (3:20:16 PM): are you working today?
Sharon (3:20:22 PM): Yes
Ward (3:22:13 PM): we both suck then
Sharon (3:22:20 PM): big time
Sharon (3:22:32 PM): My flats I'm wearing have zippers on them
Sharon (3:22:38 PM): like only one side of a zipper
Sharon (3:22:52 PM): anyway I just accidentally scraped it across the leg of my chair and it sounded like a really loud fart
Sharon (3:23:40 PM): No one heard it though. I covered the noise by actually farting much louder than the fake fart.
Ward (3:23:46 PM): haha
Ward (3:23:48 PM): awesome!
Sharon (3:24:12 PM): I'm a lady.

Best Date Advice Ever

A friend of mine is taking a girl out on a first date, and I offered him ten suggestions that he could throw out whenever he felt an awkward moment approaching.

I'm probably the bestest friend ever.

1) Wow, if I knew you were going to wear that, I wouldn't have dressed up!

2) On a scale of 1 to 10 how attracted are you to me at this moment? (Good time to grab her inappropriately).

3) Didn't you think our waitress was hot?

4) Please don't be offended if I jump up and take a phone call. My ex should be calling me any minute.

5) Are you going to eat that? Well, you probably shouldn't. (Then eye her midsection)

6) Did you bring your wallet? Cause I didn't.

7) My last girlfriend didn't really break up with me per se. It's really the restraining order that keeps us apart.

8) Should we order dessert? (Then eye her midsection again)

9) Will you pass me the salt? Thanks. No I don't want any, I just think you've had enough.

10) I hope you're a good kisser, cause I'm not.

Do YOU know the answer?

Can you guess which one of my coworkers is sick today?

(HINT: You don't need a hint.)




Every time he says something I’m like, “SPEAK UP!”

Well, I just said it once—cause if I really said it every time that would be really obnoxious. However he did just walk through the front of the office to go to the bathroom and whipped off his mask. I yelled, “I’M EXPOSED!!”

Tear to My Elephant-Loving Eye

Thanks to my sister for sending me this adorable video about the love between Elephant and Dog. It's so adorable! She told me she cried when she watched it--which really means nothing. She cries when she sees cute babies or rainbows or dry wall. In fact, I'm pretty sure if her farts were cute enough, she'd cry at that too.

But I watched it anyway and wouldn't you know it, I felt my eyes get a little warm. You'll know the part I'm talking about--the part with the gate.



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