I just accidentally burped in unison with a cocaine and alcohol addict on TV.
And now, although I have never even seen cocaine and I have no addiction to alcohol or any addiction for that matter (besides my TGIF lunchbox addiction---not that I have lots of lunchboxes--I'm just super addicted to a certain one ***shout out to Perfect Strangers' Balki Bartokomous!!!*** ), I feel like I'm just as disgusting as the addict who just vomited into a trash can in the basement.
I took this picture tonight right as an intense storm approached and just as that grey cloud was swallowing the sky.
Those clouds moved from the right of the blue-lit building to where it is in the photo in about 15 seconds--or enough time for me scratch my ass while thinking about the difference between "robbing a cradle" and cradling a robber. I've done both and was wondering are those both considered good things or bad things? I mean, robbing a cradle references dating someone much younger--like a Cougar. Which is just fine as long as they're of legal age, I guess. And then cradling a robber could be really good, cause why is someone robbing you in the first place? They obviously are having a bad day and need some crad---OH SHIT! THAT CLOUD IS GOING TO KILL ME!
I ran inside and crawled under my bed where I have been for the last six months, only surviving off of a pop tart and two Peeps left over from Easter I found under here. Which obviously is a lie since that storm happened about two hours ago and 'cause nobody likes Peeps no matter how long you've been hiding under a bed.
Storm's over. Think I'll go out and see if I can seduce a too young, hot robber with my Peeps.
I've been sick since Saturday. At first I thought it was just an overachieving hangover that just couldn't get the hint after my way-too-fun Friday night, so I just went about my business like I was one Tylenol away from tap dancing through my errands like I usually do (shuffle, ball change, step, heel click and FREEZE! ***hands cashier a 20 dollar bill with a wink***).
I left Best Buy with some crap I shouldn't have purchased (I think I bought some photo paper and a pony) and left for home. I felt awful and weak, yet was really hungry. I wondered why I crave fattening fast food when I'm sick instead of eating carrots or bark like I should.
My train of thought was broken when I noticed two people on the side of the road. It was a man and a woman outside of a used car dealership by the edge of the highway. The woman seemed to be pushing the man down and crying, and both seemed to be in much distress.
I immediately thought that she was trying to stop him from running into oncoming traffic. I don't think this would be the average person's first thought when two people are struggling outside of a used car dealership. However my friend, I'll just call J.C., (prepare for a Debbie Downer moment) ran over and killed a man who was attempting suicide several years ago. There happened to be a police officer who witnessed the man attempting to walk in traffic several times before he jumped in front of J.C.'s car. My friend, of course, freaked out and out of confusion stopped and was walking to the scene to see what he had hit. Thankfully, the police officer stopped him.
Knowing that this happened to J.C. prepared me when a man attempted to jump in front of my car about two years. I slowed down quickly once I saw him, so that if I did hit him, the worst he'd get was a strong nudge and a stern talking to. Luckily I didn't hit him, and I called the police.
Once I passed these two people, I had the noble thought to go and help them even though I felt like $@!*% or "shit" as they say in English. I drove back around to the scene and pulled into the dealership. With a closer look, I saw that they were actually fighting over a briefcase. What was in that briefcase? Money? Top secret documents? A old map to One-Eyed-Willie's treasure? I don't know. Someone with some sort of "authority" zoomed in to help before I had the chance. Was it Batman? Was it Superman? No. It was Target security on a Segway.
Damn those bi-wheeling, department store ninjas!!! They always crack the case before I have a chance to get in there. With a heavy heart, I changed out of my bullet-proof cape, radioactive leotard, and water-resistant crocs and continued on my drive home.
Love,
P.S. I'm well aware that this story was incredibly anticlimactic, but let's pretend it was awesome and move on.
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