Heroes

Last night was the first night I played poker in a long time, and, boy oh boy, is it just like riding a bicyle. I was SO good. I got great hand after great hand. Everyone was so annoyed at how great I was...IF IT WAS OPPOSITE DAY! (crowd rolls on the ground in hysterics!). Actually I was awful. We were playing tournament style and I lost two big pots to ole Sneaky Sleeves Steve (otherwise known as Troy) where he just covered my hands each time. Egads! So I resorted to dealing a "fake" hand with a different colored deck so I could feel included. And boy did my luck change! ...No it didn't. I couldn't even win at fake poker last night.

So after my huge disappointment, I got home at about 1:30am and, because I heart irony, immediately plopped onto the couch to watch the season finale of Heroes that I have DVRed. About 30 minutes into it, I noticed that my balcony door was unlocked and not shut all the way. I knew I had been on the balcony earlier that day, so I wasn't too alarmed even though I'm usually really good about locking all my doors and recognized it as my irresponsibility.

That is until I heard a thud in the other room. I immediately tensed up and pictured someone climbing up to my two story balcony and sitting in the other room waiting for me to walk in the other room so he could MURDER ME!!! I texted my friend John (like he was going to help in any way) and said:

Sharon: "Just got home and noticed I left my balcony unlocked and not shut all the way. No big deal except I just thought I heard a noise in my place! I'm sure it's nothing, right?" (yes I'm a long texter)

John: "You'll be fine"

Although you can't hear tone on a text, I heard his tone loud and clear. It was the tone of indifference. He is the same person that after attempting to call me a couple times a few weeks ago one night with no answer, told me the next day when I answered the phone, "Good you're alive. I thought you had been kidnapped. When I called and your phone went straight to voicemail, I got worried but then figured I'd just call you today." I thanked him for his swift decision to just call me later in my supposed moment of peril. You can see why he was first choice when I thought I could be in trouble.

Well after that thud there was no way you were going to catch me in the back of my place. On the couch? Sure. But in the kitchen or bedroom? ARE YOU CRAZY??

Later, that night I was brought back to reality when my friend Erik called to see how my night went. I told him how I STILL hadn't left my couch. And in his ever so delicate manner he said, "You think some burglar is in your condo and waiting for you to come to the back!? Do you think you have a NICE burglar?" I realized how stupid I was being and quickly stayed right on the couch until morning. I woke up with the cushions fallen to the floor, my feet resting on my laptop, and my cellphone and the remote snuggly piercing my back. But at least I was alive.

This reminds me of the time when I went out, drank Jager (my cryptonite), and apparently cleaned my room and changed my light bulb in my bedroom at about 3AM. I didn't remember this the next day, and when I walked into my bedroom to take a nap, I flipped the light switch expecting only the ceiling fan to turn on. When my light bulb came on too and I didn't remember changing it, I freaked out and just knew someone was in my place--probably watching me at that very moment. I grabbed a knife and returned to the couch which is what I hope a burglar would honor as base. He'd also know then that he couldn't touch me until he closed his eyes and counted to ten. And I'd be outta there! Yes, it was a great plan. I sat on the end of the couch with a knife scared to death trying to figure out what MONSTER broke into my condo and was so considerate creepy he changed my light bulb so he could see me better when he tried to kill me! Finally, I couldn't take the torture anymore and was about to escape to a friend's house that night when I remembered drinking jager the previous night.

I then realized that the only real psycho there was me.