What's that smell?

On News Of the Weird today, they mentioned a woman that probably died in the early 70s, yet her mummified body was JUST found THIS YEAR.

It's one thing to die alone--very sad. But to rot alone for 30 years? The poor woman didn't even have a funeral!

This year I will combine my birthday to be a celebration of my birth, and it will also be her belated funeral. It will be a FUN-eral. Don't be late.

Achoo!

This is why I don't eat panda meat.

A Banana in My Box

As if there isn't enough temptation in my life already with all the alcohol and the food and then there's the alcohol I was talking about, some good-intentioned stranger drops off a box of sugar and thunder thighs for the taking at work. I tried to not even look at the pastries once I heard about the little fat-demons waiting for me in the break room. However, every five minutes someone new comes to my desk and says, "Did you see the pastries in the break room? Yum! So many different choices! SO MANY CHOICES!!!"

At first I was like, "REALLY?" equally ready to wheelbarrow all that I could to my desk. But then I thought about the little banana at my desk. What a condescending little jerk. It's saying, "Shouldn't you stay away from those guys, Sharon? I'm so much better for you. But if you want to be a fat ass, then be a fat ass. It's up to you.
***whistles and shuffles its feet***"

I figured instead of stuffing my face, I may as well be healthy and have the chance to bite the head off of my banana with its rude, imaginary dialogue.

So I did it. I ate the banana and not one piece of pastry.

Banana - 1 Pastry - 0

To make myself feel as if I was cheating, I set my banana in the pastry box before eating it as if I had just grabbed a pastry instead. This kind of eating psychology may seem ridiculous and unnecessary, but you don't live in the same world as I do. My world is full of talking bananas, tap-dancing corn dogs and singing M&Ms.

Truly Outrageous

I was alone sitting in the dark thinking fondly about myself today as I often do, and I wondered what song really describes me, my personality--what I'm all about. Then the perfect song came to mind, and I'd like to share it with you all now.

TAKE IT JEM!

Why Mr. Rogers Actually Was an Awesome Neighbor

Mr. Rogers wasn't just blowing smoke when he was putting on his sweater, talking to puppet people and educating children. He was sincerely passionate about child development throughout his life. In 1969 Mr. Rogers appeared before the United States Senate Subcommittee on Communications hoping to receive 20 million dollars in funding for Public Broadcasting in response to significant proposed cuts. In the video of his speech below, Rogers is addressing John O. Pastore who wasn't familiar with who Mr. Rogers was and was known as an impatient and harsh man. I can watch this speech over and over again, because it gives me goosebumps.

Color Me Impressed

Is that Rachael Ray in the hot pink button-up?

This Is How I Make the Days Fly By

Email from one coworker sent out to all employees at my office:

Subject: Monday

Body: I have an appointment at 8am with a new doctor, an MD/orthopedic doc to be exact, on monday. I don't know for sure how long it will last and neither did they, just depends on if they want me to do some kind of tests. Hopefully I'll be in by 9 or 9:30.

Email from second worker to entire office immediately after.

Subject: Tuesday

Body: Oh that reminds me I have a dermatologist appointment at 9:15 am on Tues. I will come in early and leave from here.

Email from me to entire office immediately after:

Subject: Wednesday

Body: Oh yeah, that reminds me, too. I have a massage appointment Wednesday morning. But I won’t have to be late because they said they can do the full body massage right here at my desk. They may have a tough time squeezing the massage table behind my desk, but I figure this way I can still answer phones and such.

Oh yeah, and Matt, NO PEEKING!

Drum roll please: THE BEST WEBSITE EVER!!!

My life as I know it has changed from this moment forward. I have discovered (thanks Carrie!) the BEST--WEBSITE--EVER! Allow me to introduce you to what will soon become nails on a chalkboard to all my friends and coworkers.

I'll set it up with a joke:

"Did you hear the one about the suicidal dyslexic who threw himself behind an onrushing train?"

http://www.instantrimshot.com/

"hyuck, hyuck---try the veal"

Did you click it? Did you push the red button? Did you? Did you???

At first I thought about all the places I can leave this link after making a cheesy joke (a.k.a. all of my jokes)--facebook, myspace, any comments, you know the usual. Then I realized that I was truly limiting all that instantrimshot.com has to offer! That is why, I have muted the music I was softly playing at my desk at work. Instead, I have now raised the volume on my computer to its loudest setting. I have instantrimshot.com minimized, and the moment that I (or someone else) makes a rimshot worthy joke, I'm pressing that red button. Oh, the laughter/eye-rolling that is so surely to come! I can't wait! I'll let you know as soon as it happens.

I HAVE BENDER BALLS!!!

"I love my abdominals. I love my belly. I love my abdominals."

Have you heard of the Bender Ball? They ordered a bunch of kick balls in blue and are selling them as a piece of exercise equipment. Although you could just as easily put a rolled up towel--or a kick ball behind your back, the woman pictured above raves about this high-tech piece of workout equipment, and it's amazing effect on her abdominals. Not her abs, not her stomach--her abdominals. I honestly have never seen the end of this commercial because I can't stand the way she says "abdominals?" and I MUST CHANGE THE CHANNEL IMMEDIATELY! The question mark after "abdominals?" was intentional, because she says "abdominals?" like it's a question. I don't know if this is more my issue or hers. Maybe you can tell me after watching the commercial below. ;)

Raily Rhoto

I believe where my face once was, all Rope could see was a giant Scooby Snack.